Funny Blonde Jokes

Winning the Lottery

Larry — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 07:24:41 +0000

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”

Green Side Up

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 16:27:07 +0000

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!” In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Blondes at Work 2

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 16:07:01 +0000

A blonde saw a “¿” on her computer screen and asked another blonde,
“How do you do that?” She responded . . .
“Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Blondes at Work

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 15:51:12 +0000

Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

Blonde Passenger

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 15:35:00 +0000

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an “F” in sex.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Going to Disneyland

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 15:30:07 +0000

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT”.
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself “oh well !” and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same she drove past another sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”.
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Five Degrees of Blondeness

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 03:08:36 +0000

1st DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

2nd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

3rd DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh that’s easy: W.”

4th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”

5th DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

Dents

Larry — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 00:42:48 +0000

A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn’t have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate.

“Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe.” he said.

After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.

After hearing about what she was doing she said “That’ll never work, you need to close the windows first.

Blowing up a car

Larry — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 09:44:04 +0000

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Blonde Kidnapper

Larry — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 01:17:30 +0000

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”